Food Me Once, Shame On Me… # 8

Without further ado: the prodigal bun returns! It is I, Chef Benny LaLingua, back from the “National Gluttons’ Thanksgiving Convention,” where I sampled delectable delicacies from all over the world for the past few weeks, culminating in an epic gastrointestinal crisis! I’ve finally regained the use of my fingers after the doctors managed to chisel the last bits of dried gravy off of my hands, and I’m here with an exciting new product for the inner child in all of us!

Enter, The Crustache!

Sister product of, “Hot Dog Beards!”

If you’re like me, and looking for new and exciting ways to waste seventy to eighty percent of any given sandwich for the sake of fleeting amusement, then this product is perfect for you! I couldn’t recommend this ingenious invention any more for the niche group of people who feel that food isn’t just a source of nourishment, but rather a pastime; an object for the hedonist in all of us to be taken for granted and discarded as soon as its entertainment value has been diminished!

“All work and no play[ing with food] makes The King a dull boy…”

As for this food-critic, I look forward to new and exciting ways to revitalize tired old staples of modern culinary comfort, such as the PB & J sandwich. Because nothing says “must have food” like “mustache food!”

Editor’s note: views and opinions expressed herein do not necessarily represent those of Comedy So Serious! 

Image and gif via: here and here.

Food Me Once, Shame On Me… # 8

Avid eaters, nimble noshers, and voracious vacuum-like consumers! Your elected official of delectable dishes has returned! Chef Benny LaLingua is here for you during this holiday season, whence eating is practiced like a full-contact sport! Ladies and gentle-eaters… It. Is.

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Time to gain weight!

As we all know, November is a time of excess. Thanksgiving, one of our more confusing holidays, is a time of impractical consumption veiled in a cloak of gratitude. Because there is no better way to acknowledge the early use of biological warfare, and a disempowered, relocated, and ultimately impoverished community of indigenous peoples than to eat, eat, eat!

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Suffering!

But I digress… Today, I, your humble, home-cooking humorist, would like to look at possible alternatives to the classic Thanksgiving Turkey-dinner.

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We’re all so grateful to have this gift of life… Oh, wow. Awkward.

I’m all in favor of gathering together over a feast of fantastic proportions, but this Thanksgiving I’m curious to try a dinner plan no one, or no creature, has to die for.

Game over…

Continue reading

Food Me Once, Shame On Me… # 7

Hello and welcome to another edition of Food Me Once… with your favorite foodist, Chef Benny LaLingua! I’m writing to you from the beautiful and seasonally confusing city of San Diego, where the Halloween buzz is in full swing, despite the warm, sunny setting. This week, I’ll be covering sinister sweets for trick-or-treats because, as we all know, Halloween is the one time of year that we won’t be chided for hoarding buckets of candy.

I hoard therefore I am.

As many of us may remember from our years of trick-or-treating, there is a euphoric sense of triumph at being given a delicious and fanciful treat, and a crushing disappointment upon receiving say, loose peanuts haphazardly dropped into your pale (I’m talking to you, Mrs. Sterling… Oh, I remember). But how are we to know what young goblins and ghouls are pining for? Enter the smorgasbord, or as I like to call it, The Haunted Hodgepodge! Imagine the delight of reaching your grubby, greasepaint laden fingers into this collection of confections! Just keep a few napkins handy to wipe down the remaining candy before the next group shows  up.

Choose wisely…

Another suggestion for late night indigestion is to think outside the box, or outside the coffin, as the case may be! Distinguish your house from all the others by going the extra mile for your vile visitors. “Mr. Bones” Halloween candy offers much more than stale, uniformly flavored candy with a macabre bent…

Grave desecration never looked so yummy!

In addition to the colorful coffin that doubles for a cursed-coin-purse, this skeletal snack is also a jig-saw puzzle! Hundreds of sticky, candy-coated fingers will all point to your house when asked, “where did you get that awesome, unique, and thoughtful treat? And do you need a wet-nap?”

Anatomically correct… and delicious!

Continue reading

Food Me Once, Shame On Me… # 6

Welcome back for another scrumptious serving of food related bloggery with yours chewly, Chef Benny LaLingua! Yes, foodists and eaters alike, it is I, your guide to the greater gourmet. This week, as promised, we’ll be following up with more yummy mummies, more tasty terrors for the coming Halloween! Join us for Edible Undeadable!” As with last week’s post, click the images to redirect to the original sites, replete with recipes and more photos.

Meatloaf Hand of the Unbread

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Off putting… Not gonna’ lie.

Are you throwing a party for Halloween? Do you need a simple, easy, and delicious way to disturb your guests and potentially ruin everyone’s appetite? I thought you might. Enter Meatloaf Hand, one creature you actually want to rise (in the oven, that is). This is no ordinary dish, you see, for the Unbread will never cease to satisfy both the appetite and our innate, macabre fascination with death!

Ew-Tips!

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Doctor! I need a napkin, stat!

A lovely edition to any Halloween snack table: Ew-Tips! Marshmallows dipped in chocolate disguised as the waxy residue produced within the ear’s labyrinthine architecture. The key to a good Halloween treat is to cause equal parts repulsion and attraction in the potential snacker. Continue reading

Food Me Once, Shame On Me… # 5

Welcome back to Food Me Once… with your emphatic-eater-extraordinaire, Chef Benny LaLingua, returning for a series of squeamish Halloween related posts! Today, we’ll be looking at “healthy Halloween treats,” and next week we’ll be following up with “Edible Undeadable!” (which was my title, btw!). Click the images to link to the original sites, where you may find recipes and other deadly-delicious delights…

Strawberries & Scream

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I love a snack that screams back.

If I were limited to one-word reviews, this one would be: “Absolutely fantastic!” A simple and easy way to turn any ordinary strawberry into an anthropomorphized being, pleading for dear life, begging not to be eaten. It’s Halloween! Take it from me, these anguished expressions of strawberry dismay camouflage a perfect storm of deliciousness.  The subtle balance of white and dark chocolates collide with the sweet, yet tart, strawberry victim, whose silent screams of terror will ring out in your belly for hours!

Horror Hors D’oeuvres

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Might I suggest a bloody marinara dipping sauce? Some sliced parmesan to represent cartilage?

Bread lovers usually have a bone to pick with Halloween’s candy-centric biases, but not this Dia de Los Muertos! A fun and delicious way to enjoy our own mortality! That’s right, boils and ghouls, death awaits so bring out the cheese! Continue reading

Food Me Once, Shame On Me… # 4

Hello, and welcome to another installment of Food Me Once… with yours truly, Chef Benny LaLingua returning! Yes! Tis I, Chef extraordinaire, back for another round of insightful and delightful food related quips. As we approach the end of the year, holiday-dinner upon holiday-dinner will wash over us like the waves of the ocean, if the waves of the ocean were made out of calories and carbohydrates… Yes, that’s right! What would a New-Years resolution be without the end of the year’s excessive and ritualized eating contests.

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I hope I made enough!

But fear not! Chef LaLingua is here to offer you some alternatives to the acquisition of holiday-heft. My first tip for those of us afflicted by temptation is to employ the famous psychological practice of “exposure.” The theory is that by exposing oneself to the things that hold power over them, they can demystify, disillusion, and dissociate with their temptations, and perhaps make a sound decision. As a sufferer of stuffing my face–a stufferer, if you will…–I’ll be sweating out sweets in solidarity along with all of you. For the sake of pants-sizes everywhere, let’s begin!

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Don’t… Do not look away!

Okay, admittedly, there is an initial, overwhelming desire to stuff that into my face. Acceptance is the first step… It would probably be delicious, perhaps with a subtle hint of strawberry shortcake… The multicolored spherical sprinkles would add a nice textural contrast to the soft, buttery, flavorful cake interior. But so what! That’s right… a fleeting moment of insatiable wanting… Let’s continue. Continue reading

Food Me Once, Shame On Me… # 3

Editor’s Note: This installment of “Food Me Once…” was written by food-critic of note, Chef Benny LaLingua. 

~ “Wishing to eat the fugu, but wishing to live too.” Anonymous Quote, orig. Japan ~ What better place to begin, than with the wisdom of the far east. My name is Bene LaLingua, but you may know me as Chef Benny LaLingua from such shows as, “Please, You First,”

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Watch along as Chef LaLingua challenges lucky winners from the viewing audience to eat what even he won’t on, “Please, You First!”

“After Dinner comes Desert,”

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Every week, Chef LaLingua enjoys fine, exotic cuisine before attempting to survive the night in each of the world’s most famous deserts on, After Dinner comes Desert!

and “Quit your Wineing,” a favorite among connoisseurs of grappa. Continue reading

Food Me Once, Shame On Me… # 2

For food lovers, critics, and connoisseurs alike, the business of eating is also its own pleasure. But what about being eaten?

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I-Scream Cake

Sculptor Scott Hove has concocted a rare treat with his confectionary creatures. Working in the kitchen of collective nightmares, baking beasts to appease our most gluttonous fears, Mr. Hove stimulates the appetite while simultaneously vanquishing the desire to put your face anywhere near these delicacies.

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Yum!

As a general rule of thumb, I try to avoid eating anything that may have at one time been possessed by evil spirits. But in this case, I’d be willing to make an exception.

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This is not OK…

Images via: here, here, and here.

Food Me Once, Shame on Me… # 1

We here at Comedy So Serious!, like you, require sustenance in order to sustain our sustainable models. Nourishment for the heart, as well as the face and mouth. What am I talking about? Well, let me be specific!

Enter: The Squo-nut!

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That quadrilateral looks Quadrilicious!

I can’t speak for everyone, but the Comedy So Serious! team absolutely “Goes nuts… for Squo-nuts!” That’s right, introducing Squo-nuts, the Square Doughnut! Because everybody knows, circles are for squares! 

(Paid advertising by Squonuts and Squonuts Inc.)

Editors Note: Views and opinions expressed herein do not necessarily reflect those of Comedy So Serious!

(Images via: here)