Hello, and welcome to another installment of Food Me Once… with yours truly, Chef Benny LaLingua returning! Yes! Tis I, Chef extraordinaire, back for another round of insightful and delightful food related quips. As we approach the end of the year, holiday-dinner upon holiday-dinner will wash over us like the waves of the ocean, if the waves of the ocean were made out of calories and carbohydrates… Yes, that’s right! What would a New-Years resolution be without the end of the year’s excessive and ritualized eating contests.
But fear not! Chef LaLingua is here to offer you some alternatives to the acquisition of holiday-heft. My first tip for those of us afflicted by temptation is to employ the famous psychological practice of “exposure.” The theory is that by exposing oneself to the things that hold power over them, they can demystify, disillusion, and dissociate with their temptations, and perhaps make a sound decision. As a sufferer of stuffing my face–a stufferer, if you will…–I’ll be sweating out sweets in solidarity along with all of you. For the sake of pants-sizes everywhere, let’s begin!
Okay, admittedly, there is an initial, overwhelming desire to stuff that into my face. Acceptance is the first step… It would probably be delicious, perhaps with a subtle hint of strawberry shortcake… The multicolored spherical sprinkles would add a nice textural contrast to the soft, buttery, flavorful cake interior. But so what! That’s right… a fleeting moment of insatiable wanting… Let’s continue.
Phwow! That’s a tough one. It looks cool, refreshing… high probability of those seeds being little chocolate-chips. Okay, first feelings are of light-headedness, followed by salivation, anger, blood-lust, and [breathing sounds…] Self control is a wonderful tool. Personally, I have to confess that I’m a bit of a beginner to the psychological practice of exposure, but no guts no glory! We have to believe this can work in order for it to work!
Oh, heavenly father! Is that a small, white-chocolate high-heel, stuffed with whip-cream and raspberries?! Is that a… That’s a maraschino-cherry jam, accented with maraschino stems, and a chocolate fudge morsel to counterbalance the sweeter, lighter chocolates! Breathe… Breathe… Exposure therapy can help us. We can stave off the despairing desire for sweets, but we must trust science!
I… I can’t go on. I don’t think this is working…
Okay, enough! I neeeeeed a sweet. Right fuckin’ now! I’m not kidding… Why do you think I’m kidding? What? Oh, you’re telling me there’s no crafts/services cart here? Well, listen, you… [unintelligible grumbles… struggling sounds… grunts…]
Editor’s note: Ladies and gentlemen, Chef Benny LaLingua was unable to complete this week’s installment of Food Me Once, Shame On Me due to mental-health related issues. He assures us that he will return next week after the appropriate medical interventions. Also, we have no idea how his write-up transliterated the sounds of his apparent struggle and ultimate collapse.
Views and opinions reflected herein do not necessarily represent those of Comedy So Serious!