Food Me Once, Shame On Me… # 8

Avid eaters, nimble noshers, and voracious vacuum-like consumers! Your elected official of delectable dishes has returned! Chef Benny LaLingua is here for you during this holiday season, whence eating is practiced like a full-contact sport! Ladies and gentle-eaters… It. Is.


Time to gain weight!

As we all know, November is a time of excess. Thanksgiving, one of our more confusing holidays, is a time of impractical consumption veiled in a cloak of gratitude. Because there is no better way to acknowledge the early use of biological warfare, and a disempowered, relocated, and ultimately impoverished community of indigenous peoples than to eat, eat, eat!



But I digress… Today, I, your humble, home-cooking humorist, would like to look at possible alternatives to the classic Thanksgiving Turkey-dinner.


We’re all so grateful to have this gift of life… Oh, wow. Awkward.

I’m all in favor of gathering together over a feast of fantastic proportions, but this Thanksgiving I’m curious to try a dinner plan no one, or no creature, has to die for.

Game over…

In preparation for my own personal Thanksgiving meal-plans, I have been sampling options to replace the traditional turkey experience. The obvious place to start: Tofurkey. My dear, dear friends of food, stay away from Tofurkey… It’s. Just. Awful. Unless, of course, your aim is to share in the suffering that our rich history has to offer… Then I highly recommend this mind-boggling concoction of culinary consternation.

Pictured: Tofurkey.

What I began to realize was that it may perhaps be ill-advised to try and find a “replacement” for the stuffed turkey. Many of the delectable dishes served on Thanksgiving are already, dare I say it… vegetarian, and we can use our culinary creativity to plug the whole in our appetite where the flesh of fallen fowl used to be. Below we have an excellent example of finger-foods perfect for a creamy ranch dip, while invoking the memory of our traditions. Everyone loves a good vegetable/dip hors d’oeuvre, and this one will have your guests talking turkey without tasting it!


The only gobble-gobble you’ll hear is that of your guests’ satisfied snacking!

And if that’s not quite carnal enough for you, save the best for last! After everyone is unexpectedly stuffed on vegetable protein, you’ll enjoy the look of exasperation on your guests’ faces when they think you’re bringing out the main course for desert! This extraordinarily crafted cake is disturbingly realistic, providing the satisfaction of a slaughter served up!


That was awful…ly delcious.

The main point to remember is that with a little cuisine creativity and noshing know-how, this Thanksgiving can be a delicious and hearty feast without anyone’s conscience being repressed in order to enjoy an evening of reflection and ravenous consumption. Roasted, caramelized vegetables, yams, squash stuffed with soy-protein, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce will bring all the corners of your table together just fine!


Looks terrible.

Because, really, haven’t enough of this beautiful Earth’s creatures died for our entertainment and sensual pleasure already?

Not quite…

Whether you go the traditional route, or try a more enlightening approach to getting heavier, Comedy So Serious! and I, Chef Benny LaLingua, do indeed wish you the very best this upcoming Holiday season. I for one am very grateful for the many fine foods and opportunities to opine about them that I’ve received. Until next time, eat heartily if you heart eating!

Gifs and images via: here, here, herehere, here, herehere, here, and here

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