Editorial: Polar Vortex Ridiculed Early, Freezes Everyone’s Face Shut

Without warning, with nary a moment’s notice, it was too late.

We. Woke. Up. Cold.

In 3 degree weather, no one can hear your freeze…

Science has termed this frigid phenomena the Polar Vortex, which I’m assuming means that a wormhole to deep space has opened in the North Pole, sucking all the oxygen and heat off of Earth.

Would you like a hot cocoa?

Clips from Jake Gyllenhaal’s troubling nature documentary, “The Day After Tomorrow,” reveal that we’ve known of this phenomena for quite some time.

The calm eye of the wormhole.

All across the interwebs, reports are coming in about record lows, cassette tape numbers, and 8-track temps. The question everyone’s asking: “Is climate change?”

Well… IS?

Some intrepid explorers are taking on the high stakes–low temps risk and venturing out into the tundra of our bustling metropolis. We can only imagine the achy, dry, and positively frigid pandemonium going on across the nation at this time. If you must go out, we suggest organizing teams and consolidating trips.

… Fire?

For those poor, unfortunate souls who must chin-up and soldier on, we salute you. Your memory will be preserved in ice for centuries to come.

More scalding hot coffee…

For on this day, we are forced to consider the devastating effects of our shortsighted thinking. Ladies and gentlemen, we brought this on ourselves.

We created her, and now she’s here to destroy us:

This week on Parks & Death…

Stay frosty!

Images and Gifs via: here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.
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