Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT a test… Please report to the nearest cubicle for reprograming.
Andre the Client!
Some of us go to great lengths to escape the nagging sense of nihilism percolating within like the Mr. Coffee in the break-room of your nightmares. I myself always wanted to get into TV, buthow I rue the day my wish came true…
You’re a star…
No matter where you are on the spectrum of wish fulfillment, Mondays can deliver a devastating blow to your relationship with reality. It is not uncommon to fold like a poor hand of cards under the tremendous weight of Monday’s onslaught, and collapse defeated into the Fourth Dimension.
As the sun rises, all eye are on you. The weekend departs as quickly as it arrives–and as mysteriously–leaving us with the shattered fragments of wishes unfulfilled.
“Eye need you to come in to work.”
And as gratifying as it may be to unleash the pent-up animal-rage that’s been percolating inside of us on an unsuspecting inanimate object, say an alarm clock, we simply can’t afford to keep buying alarm clocks on our current salary.
And so begins again the Great Paper Chase. A lifelong, elliptical, and distracting pursuit of necessity, otherwise known as modern life.
Without even a glance toward the calendar, I know what day it is. I can tell by the mild, dull sense of dread that is percolating in the Mr. Coffee of my soul, brewing a bitter and muddy cup of truth:
We’re into the second full week of January and some of us are still hungover from the New Year’s celebration we don’t remember being at.
And fugue-state times were had by all…
The spring loaded enthusiasm for a new year of possibility has released, and the collective re-cranking has begun. Resolutions struggle to retain their meaning, gym attendance is already slipping, dieting caveats have been introduced…
The streets run red with lolz.
And it is here that we find ourselves: at the crossroads of yet another year, another workweek, wherein the pursuit of self-aggrandizement is feverishly sought while at the same time furiously withheld.
Ah, the first Monday of the New Year. It feels–if you’ll allow it–so much like the Mondays of yesteryear…
New Year’s Resolution: Learn hands.
No matter how many cups of coffee are imbibed, or extra hours spent sobbing in the shower, the dim demands of a new workweek have extended their reach to us. We must traverse the corridor of capitalism once more.
“Nope… back to the shower.”
Our reflexes are slow, our minds sluggish, and our expressions are frozen “Oh Noez!” of torpid terror.
The Merry-Go-Round of this modern life is punctuated with Monday’s bog of banality. But, with a little creepy and threatening encouragement we can surmount anything…
A touch of positive reinforcement never hurt either, so here’s a wizened little dog mixing a martini for you. Should be ready about the time you get back home.
Hark! I hear an angel sing! Wait… Nope. Not an angel. That was the “Harp” alarm setting on my phone. That’s right…
Time for my morning commute… into oblivion.
On this last Monday of 2013, we reluctantly arise, donning the bifocals of the bizarre and peering past the mundane into a familiar world populated by strangers.
“We’re ready for launch, Commander.”
Though the slight to our dignity and self worth is relatively meager, the cumulative effect of a lifetime of Monday mornings can be deadly. This is why we invite you to join us in the transmutation of tedium, where memes really do come true.
There’s a party in my nightmare and errybody’s invited!
So refresh your cup of coffee and plunge wholeheartedly into it, finding solace in its caffeinated inner-cosmos.
Do you take the red pill, or the sugar cubes?
Together, along with the intercession of the internets, we can transform this raw, bitter brew of toilsome tonic into something altogether ambrosial. Or… some approximation thereof.
Lo, and behold! The miasma of Monday is upon us once again!
If the workweek is a digestive track, then Monday is the primary cause of all allegorical acid-refulx.
Gimme a B! Gimme an A! Gimme a R! Gimme a F! What does that spell?!?!
The figurative face-plant that ensues scatters us in a myriad of directions, causing a small, invisible mutiny of motives within us. A hundred wishes wantonly wandering in different directions, seeking fulfillment that we intuit shan’t arrive.
“I’m up… I’m up. I’m down.”
And while we give our best at each juncture of challenge and opportunity, it seems that we are unable to perform the simple tasks required to function adequately.
If you’re reading this, then it’s already too late. The workweek has begun anew, dispatching its most cruel and twisted mechanisms of mediocrity!
Monday in a nutshell.
Even the most graceful of parries seems to backfire, culminating in a loss of both dignity and… beverages.
Not my BEVERAGES!!!
The inescapable miasma of Monday doubles back on itself, returning again and again to rear its fearsome, familiar features.
Please… Make. It. Stop.
But, in spite of the indignities suffered and the injustices sustained, there is a silver lining. For in time, after facing the beast of boredom, the human spirit shall triumph! Inspiration and ingenuity will resurface, and we will find a way!
A Monday well spent, I’d say.
Here’s to the swift passage of the first day back at work! This cookie’s for you.